Thursday, October 14, 2010

October already??

Time is flying, and I realized it has been over a month since my last blog post. David and I have been spending a quiet fall in Ithaca, and it has been nice to be at home and do things around here for a little while. (I am not stir-crazy yet with our no travel pact, but I have a feeling by November I will be itching to go to the airport and go somewhere just in time for Thanksgiving!)

I'd say that the reason I haven't written much is because there isn't much to say, and that would kind of be true, since we are typically doing normal things that I wouldn't want to bore everyone with. However, the real reason for my absence stems more from the fact that I have been feeling physically out of sorts lately, which has thrown my moods and state of being completely out of balance. My thyroid levels are totally out of control (my normally low levels have spiked to ridiculously high levels instead), and I find it is affecting me more than I would expect or even like. In fact, I don't even really like to talk about it all that much because I feel silly admitting that something as small as a thyroid imbalance is causing chaos in my life when so many other people have to deal with real diseases like cancer or diabetes.

The main problem is that my heart rate just won't go down. I have always had a naturally low heart rate (the one good thing distance running did for my body), and so it is totally strange for my heart to be racing at all times. My heart rate is 120 as I write this from my desk chair, I feel like I have extra adrenaline rushing through my veins, it is hard to focus, and the worst part is, when I can focus my mind starts to race to keep up with my heart beat. I start to worry (even more than I already do) about stupid things, or even worse, the smallest irritation will take my mood from mellow to Incredible Hulk in less than 60 seconds. (Is this how people on steroids feel when they are juiced up and angry? I wonder if this is a different sort of 'roid rage?!?) And so, I am a strange version of myself that desperately wants to maintain her usual happy state of mind, but is instead taken over by flashes of panic and uncontrollable anger.

I also can't exercise even remotely without elevating my heart rate and inducing scary chest pain (that my PCP doctor has assured me is nothing to worry about even though I feel like I am having a heart attack), and so I am beginning to feel like an old, 300 lb. woman. Today David had to slow down his walking pace because I was breathing heavily and struggling to keep up, and it continues to frustrate me. I keep telling myself this is not a reflection of my physical shape, but it is hard to maintain that attitude as I am huffing and puffing up the stairs of our apartment building!! :)

*sigh* The good news is, after months of being 'roid crazy and waiting to get into the endocrinologist, I am finally going to see the doctor on Oct. 22. Hopefully he can fix me up.

This is much more personal than I usually get with this blog, but then again, I am not the type of person that shares any piece of news that 1) is remotely personal or 2) does not involve the adjectives, "happy", "exciting", "fun", or "cute". It's just not how I usually work, because talking about anything else means that I am not working hard to focus on the positive things in life, especially all of the things I have to be grateful for. Also, it is also really hard for me to admit that I am struggling with anything, because as someone with a type A+ personality and perfectionist tendencies, I'm not supposed to struggle. However, David has taught me recently that if you can't share your flaws and your struggles with your family and your friends, who can you share them with? And so, with this blog I am taking a step to be a little more open...just like he is. what else has my (limited) blog audience missed while I have been away dealing with my self-absorbed 'roid issues? We took down our Danger Zone garden two weeks ago now that our crops are done producing and the cold weather season is fast approaching. It was kind of a sad day, though I am already looking forward to next summer when we can improve on what we accomplished this past summer. Also, speaking of things to look forward to - Elliot Roth comes to visit in just three weeks! And soon enough it will be November, which is always a happy month because I start listening to Christmas music!

I think I will end this incredibly long post with a list of things that make me happy because it will make me happy to think of them, and it will be more uplifting:

1. David's laugh, David's kisses, David's cooking, and David's tickles...okay, just David.
2. One Day, by David Nicholls (even though this book made me cry extensively)
3. Tuesday and Thursday night TV (and today is Thursday!)
4. Angry Birds
5. The fact that my research project is finally leading towards productive results
6. Apple cider, caramel apples, pumpkin spice lattes, kettle corn, and fall foods in general
7. New songs by Taylor Swift
8. My new Gap cardigan (that I am wearing right now)
9. Getting lots of mail (hint hint)
10. Book club (we are reading The Hobbit for November, and I am making cupcakes for our snack)

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